To My Son, After His Passing

November 15, 2012 at 10:38 am 1 comment

You were the dutiful son, the one who wanted to please. Quietly you would work hard, and amaze me with what you could accomplish even at an early age. I was so proud when I took you to work at age 12 and my boss told me how you were outworking the adults. True, I found out much later that you weren’t the saint I thought you were but I was still proud.

Then you got married and had your first child. Your Mother and I right then and there decided not move to Chicago when we finished our degrees. We couldn’t leave our grandkid! Time went on. You continued to work hard had another child, divorced and remarried. Then your Mom was killed.

You were the one that came with the Sheriff’s deputy to my workplace to tell me. You were the one that got me through the darkness. You became my rock and did the things I couldn’t bring myself to. Then I met Chris and you stood back waiting and watching until you knew for sure I was happy. Then and only then you allowed yourself to love her as your own Mother. Chris had passed the test and you were pleased and I felt protected.

All you ever wanted in life was a family. The more kids the better. You loved taking them to their games and watching them participate in sports and other school activities. You bent over backwards to make things happen for them. You worked long hours at your job to make sure you provided your kids with all the things I couldn’t provide you. You became the man I wasn’t and I was so proud of you.

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It took you three failed marriages to find Cheryl. She is a special lady and Chris and I both thought “this is the one” the one that you would grow old with. Sadly the disease wouldn’t let you enjoy your happiness for very long. You hadn’t been married a year when the paranoia started getting worse and you found so many little things to be upset with. Your anger began to wear on your relationship with Cheryl. Within the next year you would hit bottom.

The whole family tried to talk to you, but left untreated the disease wouldn’t let you listen. Towards the end we had words over the phone and you stopped talking to me. Though my heart was breaking I understood that it was the disease that made you do this not the person you were. I think at the end you knew I loved you.

Now you are gone. Not because you didn’t care but because you cared too much for those you loved. You cared so much more about them that you would call and make sure that I was taking my medications and I was taking care of myself when you weren’t taking care of yourself. You just couldn’t stand the pain of loss any more and without the help you needed you just needed a way out. I wish I could have protected you from yourself just as you protected me. I love you son, you will always be a part of me.

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A Father’s Lament It’s That Time Again, Time To Be Thankful

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